The Mayonnaise Murders, Chapter 5, Scene 3

TMM1 Single Cover

Like I said, it was a long haul to the next safe shack, which meant Beardy had all the time he needed to start fillin us in on what the real deal was. I was kinda surprised how easy he spilled his story.

“DUDE. Okay. Check this out, `cause this is what’s happenin. And man, like, I am so glad to finally be able to tell somebody about this shit. You don’t know what it’s like keepin all this crap inside. Real pain in the…”

“Try me.”

“Cool. Okay. That night? When the two of you saw me lyin there on the ground without my threads? The perfect setup. Perfectomundo. Wasn’t me. I was already out here in the Dregs with my feathered friends and workin out a deal with Cluck. What you folks were lookin at was a synthetic dummy with an environmental transmitter stuck inside. Recorded everything that was going on around the body. Had all my characteristics, right down to the cell type and the fingerprints. Organs all inside. All that. But it was not me. Cluck’s a genius, I’m tellin you.

“So anyway, the plan was for them to find me like that. The keystones. We weren’t exactly planning on you two, but once you showed up we knew we’d have to deal with it. As for the keystones, we wanted them seein that sandwich. Had to see it, man. We knew once they saw what my mug was munchin on, their corrupt little gears’d start to turnin big time. We knew if they knew there was mayonnaise back on V-5, they were gonna bust themselves tracin down who was behind it and start puttin down the heavy muscle to squeeze out their cut for protection.

“That’s where we put the hook in. While they’re there with the two of you tryin to figure out what you knew, we knew they were really tryin to figure out if you knew anything about who was behind the new MayoMadd connection. Once they figured you didn’t then they figured they had a wrap on it – until we threw a monkey wrench in the deal.”

“A monkey what?”

“You know, a …oh, right. That’s when we threw in the smoke bomb and swiped the body. Dude, we knew they’d freak like crazy once that happened. Yo, were we right or what? Ever since then, they’ve been workin overtime tryin to track us down. They know if they don’t then it makes `em look like they’re the dufusses they are. Critters gonna be scared to death that another MayoMadd epidemic is fixin to explode up here and the damned keystones don’t even know which dike to stick their fingers into.”

“I ain’t even gonna ask what that means, kid. Go on.”

“Check it out. What they’re really worried about? Is that they know this thing is about to hit V-5 big, which means there’s all that money floatin around out here, but they won’t even be plugged into it. It’ll be the first time anything this big went down and the keystones were cut out. It’s fuckin beautiful.”

This kid wasn’t wrapped too tight. Here he was talkin about unleashin a drug epidemic on my home planet just as calm as that Earth nut Santa Claus gets off on breakin and enterin.

“Dude, I can look in your eyes right now? I can look right in there and see you think I’m crazy. Like, why is this idiot tellin me about all this? Right? Am I right? That’s what you’re thinkin, isn’t it?”

“There’s a chance that crossed my mind, yeah. Suppose you make it cross back the other way. Otherwise I suspect we gonna have us some problems.”

“Sure thing, Viddy baby. First thing? The MayoMadd? Dude, don’t even sweat it, hear? The last thing me or Cluck wants to do is get little critters up here hooked back on that stuff. That wouldn’t be a nice thing to do.”

I heard Vee let out a long breath of air. Glanced back and saw her smilin. Had to grin at that.

“You’re right about that, Beardy. Wouldn’t be nice at all. So what gives?”

“We’re gonna get the Earth kids hooked on it instead,” he said, with a ferocious grin.

“Come again?”

“It’s all part of Deep Cluck’s master plan, man. It’s beautiful. See, here’s how it’s gonna …”

“Johnny…? Say it ain’t so, hey? You’re not really gonna do that to those kids, are you? I mean, I know they can get on your nerves and everything, but gettin `em hooked on MayoMadd? Why would you wanna do something like that? What’d they ever do to you to piss you off that much?”

“Yo, this isn’t about me, all right? It’s about…”

“I’ll be damned. This is about those chickens, ain’t it?”

“Bingo, dude. Nobody fucks with my clucks. That just ain’t right.”

“But why do you care so much about a bunch of talkin chickens? I thought you had a big music career goin back on Earth. Why blow it for a bunch of…”

“Watch it, man. Don’t talk bad about my chickens. They’ve had folks talkin bad about `em their whole lives for somethin that wasn’t even their fault. Now the time has come to put a stop to it. For good.

“Beware the chickens.”

Oh geez.

 

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kaoblues
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